4 Menu Items To Avoid Ordering At In-N-Out

For those who have never had the pleasure of setting foot inside an In-N-Out, first off, I'm sorry. Second, you honestly might want to consider a road trip. There is a reason that In-N-Out is widely considered to be the best American burger chain, and has won the public affection of such noted culinary names as Gordon Ramsay, Anthony Bourdain, Ina Garten, and Julia Child. With the chain slowly spreading its domain, the nearest store is likely closer than ever — there are now over 400 locations in 10 states, even as far east as Tennessee.

Back when I made my first visit to an In-N-Out, it was still very much a West Coast chain. I grew up out east, but had recently moved to Colorado and was working as a wildland firefighter. The crew I was with was dispatched to a fire on the Shasta-Trinity National Forest in Northern California, and throughout the entire drive in that direction, there were intermittent rumblings throughout the rig about whether or not we might make a stop at an In-N-Out. I honestly didn't know much about it, but the excitement throughout the crew was palpable.

Shortly after crossing over the border into California, the unofficial birthplace of fast food, the crew got their wish, and we stopped for burgers. It was, in no uncertain terms, a life-changing fast food experience, and by far the best chain restaurant burger I'd ever eaten. Over the ensuing years, I've been back countless times and explored the menu thoroughly. It is not a long menu; the chain keeps things pretty simple aside from all of the secret menu items, and most of it is excellent. There are, however, a few items that are better off ignored.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a grilled cheese sandwich. Melted cheese in the middle, with crisp, buttery, griddled bread on the outside — it's wonderful. Pair it with a bowl of tomato soup, and you have one of those classic comfort-food meals that will forever hold a spot in my heart. What In-N-Out calls a "grilled cheese," on the other hand, is a whole different animal. In-N-Out's grilled cheese is, essentially, the worst thing that could happen when you open your bag of food after pulling away from the drive-thru: It's a burger, but there's no burger inside. 

In-N-Out's grilled cheese has a bun loaded with two slices of cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and In-N-Out's signature burger spread — all the trappings of a burger — but without the beef. I understand that not everyone eats meat, and that's why In-N-Out's not-so-secret menu has the "grilled cheese" on it. But this is not a grilled cheese sandwich. This is a burgerless burger, and one of the biggest things that sets this chain apart from its competition is the quality of In-N-Out's beef. The company controls the supply chain for its meat from the bottom up. 

Maybe it's just calling this sandwich a grilled cheese that really bristles me. There is nothing wrong with it. There are, in fact, plenty of people who really enjoy it. As far as I'm concerned, though, if you don't eat meat, you're better off sticking to In-N-Out's fries and milkshakes. You'll find better grilled cheese at other restaurant chains.

There are certainly some folks who will argue with me about this, but there is a correct amount of meat and cheese for a burger, and that perfect range happens to align just about exactly with what you find in In-N-Out's Double Double burger and its smaller compatriot, the good old cheeseburger. A cheeseburger at In-N-Out is a single patty and a slice of cheese on a bun, with all of the other toppings. In the linguistic style of this burger chain, the Double Double is exactly twice that: two burger patties and two slices of cheese. Both are excellent choices. But the secret menu and not-so-secret-menu deviations from this point quickly get out of hand.

If you're hungry, get the Double Double, but a cheeseburger will do if you're just peckish. There is maybe an argument for ordering the Triple Triple if you are, for example, exhausted and starving after a long day. But as soon as you get to In-N-Out's 4 x 4, or Quad Quad, you've lost the plot. In-N-Out doesn't have the nutrition facts for the Quad Quad on its website, but considering the only difference between the cheeseburger and the Double Double is the number of patties and slices of cheese, with a little bit of math and the numbers for those items, one can determine that it is simply too much food. I don't even need to get into the In-N-Out 100x100 Double Double burger monstrosity.

The combination of a greasy burger, crisp fries, and a cold, creamy milkshake may be the only remaining American dream available to most, but it sure is a good one — and In-N-Out, to its credit, makes a great milkshake. The shakes are made with real ice cream, and they are all decadent and delicious. If you're going to order one, however, you might as well get something more interesting than vanilla.

Vanilla ice cream lovers, I understand, vanilla should be exciting. Believe me, as a food writer, I am stuck in this paradox in which I am aware of how marvelous vanilla really is, while also sometimes kind of looking down on it. Vanilla was once among the most treasured ingredients and even considered to have magical powers. These days, though, it's a bit meh. I mean, the word "vanilla" has become synonymous with all things plain and boring for a reason. 

While still magic in the right context, when it comes to In-N-Out milkshakes, you should choose something more interesting, like chocolate, strawberry, or a mixture of both. Vanill and In-N-Out milkshake lovers should know this secret menu tip: If you really need that vanilla, you can order a black and white milkshake — which is both chocolate and vanilla — or Neapolitan — which is all three varieties in one cup. 

There don't appear to be catchy names for these secret menu In-N-Out milkshake combos, but I'm sure that you could also request a mixture of chocolate and strawberry or vanilla and strawberry. Perhaps you could even be the one to popularize it and coin the name, like "strawberries and cream." Wait, never mind, dibs. That was my idea — you saw it here first.

This last one is certainly going to ruffle some feathers, but I honestly don't understand ordering fries Animal Style. For those not in the know, Animal Style was sort of the first In-N-Out secret menu item that was actually public knowledge — I knew of it before my first In-N-Out experience, so clearly the secret was, as the chain now describes it on its website, not so secret. Ordering a burger Animal Style means that it comes with a mustard-cooked patty, pickles, grilled onions, and some extra burger sauce. Those are some real upgrades. The burger patty cooked in mustard gives it a nice tangy crust, and who doesn't like pickles and grilled onions on their burger? Ordering fries Animal Style, however, is only ruining a good thing.

The fries at In-N-Out are excellent. When you get them Animal Style, however, they come covered in cheese, grilled onions, and way too much burger sauce. I can get down with the burger sauce on the burger; the Thousand-Island-like In-N-Out secret sauce with sweet pickle relish works with the greasy, cheesy burger. Fries, though, they need something with some tang to it, not all of this creamy sweetness. Grilled onions are sweet, the sauce is sweet — it's too much. In truth, I think the popularity of Animal-Style fries comes down to folks enjoying feeling like they're in on the secret. But when a restaurant has a menu as small as In-N-Out's, the move is to stick to the classics. A Double Double with plain fries and a chocolate shake is about as good as it gets.