I Tried The Hot Ones Sauce Lineup, And It Took Me To Another Planet

To be honest, I've never been so terrified to do a taste test in my life. While I felt adventurous when posing this article, I was definitely more than a little naïve. Now, even the hottest hot sauce won't kill me, right? But sitting here — with all 10 bottles from the Season 28 Hot Ones lineup pack in front of me — I'm wondering if I may have made an error in judgment by committing to this.

Still, I've always wondered what it's like sitting across the table from "Hot Ones" host Sean Evans, gabbing and munching on some of the hottest sauces on the market. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say (I can only hope that's a hyperbolic statement in this situation), so I'm trying all 10 sauces that you see celebs eating on season 28 of "Hot Ones." And unlike other taste test articles, you'll be getting my reactions in real time.

Rather than taking notes and reflecting later, I'm writing this piece as I conduct the taste test, so my reactions will be raw and unfiltered. I brushed each sauce on a chicken wing with a pastry brush, and am trying them in the order they're sampled on the show. At the end of the piece, I'll tell you whether or not I can recommend them with a clear conscience. I'm scared but ready, with a glass of milk and a slice of bread at hand. Wish me luck.

Dawson's Coffee Date hot sauce is a Turkish coffee-inspired sauce that I was excited to try as a coffee lover. One bite in and I'm already feeling the heat — which doesn't bode well for the rest of my taste test. But this sauce is really delicious, and I definitely ate the whole wing. I clearly get the coffee notes, while dates bring a deep sweetness to the sauce. Heat comes in at the end of the bite, and while it's tangible, it doesn't overwhelm.

I'll certainly be keeping this sauce in the fridge, though I'm not entirely sure what else I'll put it on other than chicken wings. Either way, I'd like to thank the Hot Ones team for easing me into this taste test with a hot sauce reminiscent of coffee. At the very least, I'll be able to say that part of this journey was pleasant.

Savir Foods Crema Macha is an aioli-style aji sauce, and I definitely appreciated the "creamy" component present here. It gives the sauce a thicker mouthfeel and, though it's still hot, adds a balancing element to the heat. Garlic is obvious, too, and sesame seeds bring very slight savoriness into the equation. This is another delicious sauce that I'll be keeping around to top on tacos, burritos, and anything else Mexican-inspired that I might cook in the near future.

And, yes, before you ask: I am indeed feeling the heat with this one. It hits more in the back of my throat while other, creamier tasting notes come through in the front, but it's there nonetheless. Thankfully, I'm not yet feeling overwhelmed with this taste test. Then again, it's only the second sauce, and it concerns me that the heat is already tangible. Well, onto the next.

I've already had a version of Hot Ones' pickled garlic sriracha before. In the aforementioned Popeyes x Hot Ones collab, the chicken tenders were marinated in this sauce. While they packed some heat then, I also remember being a little underwhelmed by what I had expected to be a punchier offering. With that in mind, it's time to see what the actual sauce delivers.

Now, it probably goes without saying that this is hotter in its actual sauce form, though it's nothing I can't handle. But I also have to say I don't love this one, purely because it's made with pickled garlic, and I'm not the biggest fan of pickled things. If I was, I'd presumably really enjoy this sauce, and I think hot sauce fans who do like pickled things will find this endearing. As for me, my nose is starting to run a tad at this point in the taste test and I'm halfway through my first glass of milk, but I'm doing alright (for now).

A passionfruit hot sauce is certainly not a concoction I'd ever have come up with on my own. It smells delicious, though, and doesn't even smell particularly spicy. This sauce is purportedly a tropical, smoky hot sauce with some multidimensional complexity, and it certainly smells that way. More than that, I can say this is definitely the most delicious of all the sauces I've tried so far.

I love how bright and fruity it is. The passionfruit delivers on the tropical component promised on the bottle, but you also get some smoke behind. It makes for a really well-rounded bite, and yet ... I can't possibly take another. My lips are currently on fire, I feel the heat on my gums, and I had to blow my nose after trying this one. Since I'm only on the fourth sauce, my anxiety is mounting by the minute. However, I refuse to quit halfway through (even if I'm worried I'll change my mind).

I'll be halfway through this taste test after trying Neil's Real Deal Chimichurri Habanero, and I can admit I'm excited to try this next hot sauce. It claims to be fairly herb-forward, which I'm hoping cools some of the heat a little bit. After all, I'm still waiting for the burn from the last sauce to fully die down as I try this one, but I suppose I shouldn't put it off any longer.

After tasting this sauce, I honestly think I would have switched it with the last one if I were making my own order of these sauces. It took a while for the heat to build with this; instead, the beginning of the bite was genuinely herby and quite delicious. It had a lot of the freshness you'd expect to find in a chimichurri. When the heat came in behind, it made for a pleasing contrast to the otherwise herb-forward sauce, and I actually found it quite delightful. In fact, it was a little less imposing than the last, and I'm feeling mildly more optimistic. Perhaps I'll be surprised by the flavor profiles of the following sauces?

Hot Ones Tropical Amarillo promises some floral notes and tropical fruit essence, as well as warm curry for some body. It smells really delightful and is reminiscent of the fourth sauce I tried (Chile Lengua de Fuego Passiflora Fire), which also scares me a little. Floral and fruity notes come through on the nose and there's a distinct spicy appeal brought in by the curry. Now, it's time to actually taste it.

My first instinct after taking a bite is to say this sauce is genuinely delicious. I get the fullness of curry flavor right off the bat, but it's still really bright from the fruit. I'm not getting as much of a floral appeal as I did when smelling it, and if you're wondering whether I'm struggling to survive? The answer is no. While this sauce definitely packs the most heat of the bunch, the curry is warm enough that it doesn't feel like straight heat, and I'm able to enjoy it without feeling completely incapacitated. Of course, I'm still drinking milk, and I'm about to take a break to wash my hands and blow my nose before moving onto the next one.

Passionfruit, orange, and guava? Sign me up! Thankfully, those fruity notes can apparently be found in P.O.G.'s bottle of Hawaiian Hot T's. I'll admit I was excited to try this one purely because I'm a sucker for labels, and this one is cute as can be, particularly the fire-breathing ghost in a lei. But I need to go refill my glass of milk after tasting this hot sauce, because it's really getting to me heat-wise.

Now, I wrote the last sentence about five minutes ago ... and spent those five minutes chugging milk, blowing my nose, and fervently sucking on an ice cube (which actually helped, despite my initial skepticism). In other words, this is the first sauce to truly get me. While it's floral and fruity at the beginning, the heat soon hits like a freight train. It genuinely felt like there was a fire in my mouth, so my instinct was to breathe through my mouth to try to cool it down, which only made it worse.

At this point in my taste test, I have to wonder who finds this fun, and how "Hot Ones" host Sean Evans does this regularly. His insides must have transformed into something superhuman, because you can bet I won't be having this sauce again. I know I'm almost done, but after sampling the P.OG. bottle? The last three sauces are looming in front of me like some insurmountable climbing wall.

Scorpion peppers are the headliner of this bottle of hot sauce, and I can't say I've ever heard of a scarier food (why do people eat this willingly?). But I've also just taken a bite, so I'm going to dive right in. My first reaction was that the Da' Bomb hot sauce from Evolution wasn't quite as bad as the last sauce. However, I definitely didn't like the flavor of this one.

It just tasted like straight peppers and heat, without much to balance it whatsoever. In fact, it was easy to see why this is Reddit's least favorite hot sauce. And despite thinking this was slightly more mild at the beginning, I was quickly mistaken. The heat built rapidly, and I'm still reeling as I write this, which is even worse because the sauce itself doesn't taste very good.

I'm hurting quite a bit by now, but I'm still alive; I can't speak for how my body will process this in a few hours or so, though. Even if I'm ready to be done at this point, the last two sauces can't be much worse than what I just had ... right?

We've reached the penultimate sauce: Karma Sauce Funken Hot, which is described as "X Hot" on the label. This sauce describes itself as a "citrusy flamethrower" with sugar, lime, and spice. While I'm hoping it at least has a good flavor, I'm not feeling optimistic about my tolerance for the sauce. Still, I suppose I should get on with it.

Have you ever felt like red hot needles are being gently poked against your tongue? If so, you have a bit of an idea of what I'm experiencing physically right now. I think the brand got the name of this hot sauce spot-on, because funken' hot is right.

Yet at the same time, it's a tasty sauce. I definitely got some experience with the lime and citrus flavors before the heat set in. My body's a little tingly, and I'm scared to try the last one, but this wasn't as horrible as I expected. I'm still feeling it, of course, and I really just want to get this taste test over with. With that in mind, onto the final sauce I go.

The Hot Ones' website gives no notes for its The Last Dab Thermageddon hot sauce, which makes this a pretty daunting endeavor. Nevertheless, I dove in tongue-first, with fervor to sample what is absolutely the hottest thing I've ever tasted. If you've ever kissed red-hot coal, you kind of know what it's like to taste a dose of Thermageddon.

My lips are seriously on fire. They hurt, and I'm typing this with a mouth full of milk trying desperately to cool my tongue off. Every time I think the heat's leaving, it comes back in full force, and continues to burn. I wouldn't be surprised to look in the mirror and see my lips fully blistered right now. Unfortunately, I have no tasting notes for this sauce except peppers. Just hot peppers — really, really hot peppers. The heat lingers, and I have to stop typing every few seconds to remind myself to breathe through it.

There comes a point after trying this sauce that you realize you just have to ride it out. Am I in pain? Yes, but I'll survive it somehow. All the milk-chugging in the world is only doing so much to cool the heat, so I might as well lean in and let it burn. Call me the new Katniss Everdeen, because I'm on fire right now. I could probably breathe flames if I tried.

I did this taste test a few weeks after trying the Popeyes x Hot Ones menu items. I thought those items brought some heat without being too overwhelming, which might have given me the gumption to do this taste test. Regardless, I'm glad I did, even if I'm still reeling from Thermageddon.

Now, as a spice novice, I really thought I'd fare worse overall. And while I didn't necessarily fare well, I do feel pretty invincible now. Perhaps I'll make this a video taste test in the future so you get the full idea of how much I suffered for the amusement of the general population (and my friend who joined me). More than that, I'd absolutely recommend trying the full Hot Ones Season 28 lineup for yourself. You're likely to survive, and you'll be able to say you've tried some of the hottest hot sauces known to man. It might be fun to do in a group setting, too.

If you don't want to splurge on the full 10-pack of sauces, you can find some Hot Ones-branded sauces in grocery stores nationwide, or perhaps you're lucky enough to live in a Hot Ones wing delivery zone. Prepare yourself to experience some pain, but there's no need to be terrified of the taste test — as long as you have milk and ice on hand.