In honor of the Olympics, this month we're bringing you gold medal coverage of The Best of the Best.
One of the oldest bar pickup lines in the book is that ringer, “What’s your sign?” If you’re lame bold enough to use it, at least now you’ll know what to order your lovely with our handy guide to the best cocktail for every sign.
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
You got stuck in a rainstorm on the way to work. The coffee pot is empty. And your office crush just gave notice. But all you see, optimistic Aries, are sunshine and rainbows ahead. In your radiant world, nothing is impossible—not even mythical creatures. So snuggle up with a glass of unicorn milk spiked with a little bourbon before bed tonight—it will make reading your fairy tales a little more nuanced.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
You’re the Shake Shack burger of the zodiac—no matter what the situation, you can always count on it to be good. You need a cocktail that’s as strong and reliable as you are, so reach for a Manhattan. It’s classic, you can trust that it will give you a decent buzz and it tastes pretty damn good with a side of fries.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
You have more trouble making a decision than Homer Simpson at a Krispy Kreme. Your typical night at a bar goes something like this: “Should I get the rosé? Or the Popsicle? What should I get, guys?” Guess what, confused soul: You can have BOTH with a strawberry-sangria ice pop cocktail. Now pipe down and let your friends enjoy their drinks in peace.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
With moods that shift faster than head chefs at Tavern on the Green, we’re thinking you probably don’t need alcohol, period. Stay completely level with a watermelon-chamomile mocktail named after tennis star Andre Agassi. The cool, refreshing drink will keep your John McEnroe outbursts sidelined.
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
Martha Stewart has nothing on your desire to be the center of attention. And the best way to achieve that at your local neighborhood bar is to order a flaming cocktail, like the Pink Elephant: Gin, vermouth and grapefruit syrup are poured over a glass of blazing absinthe—a showstopper that will definitely have all eyes in the room on you, even if just for a few seconds.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
Your life is a study in mise en place: You like everything in its proper place. Well, drinking is about loosening up—and we have a feeling the only way you’re going to do that is with shots of homemade Fireball. Feel the burn, then don’t freak out if the bright crimson liquid spills on your shirt. The dry cleaner will still be there in the morning, promise.
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
Hello, double kitchen scale of the zodiac. You’re all about balance, in work, in life and in cocktailing. To keep your scales of justice from tipping in one direction or another, you need a cocktail that’s more equal than the sugar-free sweetener: Of course, we’re talking about the Negroni, made with equal parts gin, vermouth and Campari. If you lose your footing after a few, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
Heaven help the unwise soul who chooses to cross the cunning Scorpio: The sting of your revenge is worse than a hot oil splatter from a deep fryer. For you, the obvious choice is an Extra-Bloody Blood & Sand, made with bourbon, Cherry Heering and, of course, blood orange juice—because you don’t do anything half-ass, not even getting revenge.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
Your Instagram account is the original FOMO inducer: You globe-trot, stopping for crudités in the South of France, lobster rolls in the Hamptons, perfectly fried calamari in Greece. Ever-curious traveler, your next stop is Puerto Rico for a glass of Bilí, or cherry- and orange peel-infused rum, on ice. The potent drink not only packs a punch, it also photographs beautifully. #bonus
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
Ambitious to a fault, your goal in life is to acquire pretty, shiny things. So a plain old, flat cocktail won’t do: Add some sparkle to your drinking routine with an Aperol snow cone. After a few, the flecks of ice will start to look like diamonds—but diamonds with alcohol in them.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
You’re not afraid to tell it like it is—in fact, your brutal honesty sometimes lands you in hot water. Given your penchant for the bitter truth, you need a cocktail that goes heavy on the bitters, like the rum- and ginger-spiked Gatorcane. Just be careful not to kick back too many, or you’ll be faced with the harsh reality of a killer hangover.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
The creative thinker and soul searcher in you would much rather be sitting by the ocean or a glassy lake than slaving away in the office. No need to fish for a cocktail: It has to be a tomato water Bloody Mary, a cooler, more refreshing take on the popular brunch cocktail. We think you’ll get along swimmingly.
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