How I Respectfully Decline To Share Top-Secret Family Recipes

I think we can all agree that unnecessary food gatekeeping is bad. After all, food isn't just a component of sustenance; it's also a way that we show love, intimacy, and care to other people. However, some degree of hesitation to share may arise when there are important family recipes at stake. These recipes may be something passed down from generation to generation, or they may be ones that you associate with a certain person in your family, and the thought of someone trying to replicate that beloved recipe in their own kitchen may give you unease. 

In my family, it's one recipe in particular: my mom's homemade caramels. Yes, I — the same woman who lives off boxed cake mix and baking shortcuts — makes her own caramel candies every holiday season to gift to people. This is a recipe (now printed by hand on an index card and kept in the depths of her spice cabinet) that was passed through generations. She didn't freely share it because she felt that it was "ours," but because it was a seasonal thing that would give the people in our lives something to look forward to every holiday season.

My mom got her fair share of compliments from these caramels, and when she was asked for the recipe, she would always respectfully decline to give it. It was never mean or patronizing, and it's a similar approach that I take when I'm asked about my chai-spiced apple pie today. 

When someone asks you for a recipe — regardless of whether it's a family one or one that you just made up on the spot — you should see it, first and foremost, as a compliment. Recipes aren't national secrets, and I'm sure people aren't conniving enough to just want to share them on social media and reap all the benefits for themselves for coming up with them. So, treat it like the compliment it is and mention that you are happy that they enjoy it. You're not being dismissive by wanting to keep it close to the chest, so long as your delivery is kind, respectful, and honest.

Obviously, you don't want to give false information or try to come up with something that you know isn't going to work. When my mom would get questions about the caramels, she would usually give a rough estimate of ingredients (a couple of cups of sugar, some heavy cream, etc.) to avoid giving someone a specific recipe, but enough information for them to get a broad understanding of the ingredients without it tasting exactly the same. If you're on the receiving end, be sure not to pry to the point where the other person becomes uncomfortable, and when all else fails, switch to another topic.