The Price Of Dog Food At Trump's Hotels Is Absurd

The day we've all been waiting for (and losing sleep over and crying at the thought of) is finally here: It's Election Day 2016. Two candidates will enter the ring, but only one will leave victorious. It's been quite a wild ride, and, thankfully, it's almost over: Either way, we'll have our answer tonight. (Unless this whole thing is rigged or something . . .)

So instead of wringing our hands all day in anticipation, we've been biding our time in a much more reasonable manner: by reading the ridiculously long room service menus for Trump International Hotels. The process has been surprisingly illuminating, especially once we reached the Pamper Your Pet section of the menu.

In conjunction with his Twitter account, what we've found may tell you all you need to know about the indefatigable Mr. Trump. Believe it or not, a lot of the dog and cat food on his hotel menus costs more than the human food. At a whopping $28, the Doggy Delight, or "filet nips lightly seared," is the most expensive pet item offered, followed closely by the Purr-fect Kitty Supreme. You can also purchase your kitty a glass of Oberweis milk for $7. Absurd? Yes. Irrational? You bet. Frivolous and and a little bit offensive? Absolutely. But someone's bound to order it.

So in honor of this historic day and all the crazy things you will probably read on the Internet, here are five Trump International Hotel menu items that are less expensive than the dog food.

① The Scandinavian Breakfast of smoked Atlantic salmon, dill cream cheese, hard-boiled egg, vine-ripened tomato, cypress caper berries and choice of bagel. $26

② The 10-ounce lamb burger with semolina bun, mint and cucumber. $26

③ The classic Maine lobster roll. $23

④ The chana masala, or "delicious chickpeas cooked in an exotic blend of North Indian spices" from the Indian Treasures section of the Asian Delights menu. $24

⑤ The rum maple glazed pork belly with pear-cranberry compote and something called semmelknoedel. $20

PS Please, vote. Please.