Show Me Your Spice Drawer And I'll Tell You What Kind Of Hipster You Are
Even if your current digs are a college dorm room or a 400-square-foot studio, it's probably guaranteed that you at least have salt and pepper in your kitchen. Maybe there's even a cinnamon shaker or a forgotten packet of taco seasoning floating around, too. But, whether your spice cabinet is an aesthetic marvel or your spices are crying out for help at the back of some long-forsaken pantry shelf, rolling around on top of each other like a gastronomic war scene — your spice cabinet is home to a cast of characters. Spicy turmeric, tangy lemon pepper, and warming cumin coexist like a bustling city, and it's different strokes for different folks.
And not only do these seasonings have flavor personalities of their own, but the ones you reach for time and time again might reveal more about you than what's on your table for dinner tonight. When you pass the deviled eggs garnished with red threads, we know you're dying for us to ask about the artisanal saffron you got while studying abroad. That's right, we know who you are judging solely by the contents of your spice cabinet.
Cardamom
Folks who reach for cardamom are keenly aware that they're different from everyone else sitting in their favorite local coffee shop — perhaps, even, smarter. They have a favorite local coffee shop and a signature order. It's a soy chai. In a rare moment of non-thoughtfulness, they once spilled it on their black cashmere turtleneck in front of the cute barista and had to find a new favorite coffee shop.
Ginger
A ginger fan's catchphrase is "I saw this on HGTV." Clinically, that comes with an intense appreciation for "milk glass" and hand-woven area rugs, often layered on top of each other. No one's sure how ginger fans afford this apartment, to be honest. That bay window alone occupies at least $200 in rent. Ginger lovers are self-described "empaths" who know how to read your astrological birth chart and order for you at the restaurant.
Red chile flakes (expiration date rubbed off the container)
Red chile flakes enthusiasts are in a punk band. They're the bass player, and they cut their hair like that on purpose, actually. A red chile flakes fan doesn't want to come back to Maryland with you for the holidays. They have a spider web shoulder tattoo, and you're secretly thankful that it's winter so you hardly ever have to see it. But there's a kicker — red chile flakes fans always know the best place to get lunch on any given day. You've never tried that dumpling spot on Eldridge and Broome? Oh, you're missing out. On the walk there, wanna listen to this new song? It's gonna be Red Chile Flake Fan's first single, or maybe it'll go on the EP.
Rosemary
Folks who use rosemary in every dish shop at Trader Joe's, sport a gel manicure, drink green tea, and probably own a bamboo pajama set. They have a Persian cat named "Angostura" and Puccini's "Madame Butterfly" is on the record player. Rosemary lovers are virtuosos at delivering a soliloquy, often speaking in a slightly unnatural cadence that you think might be a stab at forced iambic pentameter but you're too nervous to bring it up. They're protecting their peace and can't meet you for dinner tonight, but thanks for asking. Are you busy next Thursday?
Dill
A dill fan never uses deodorant (in a cool way), only eats quinoa, has a browser history filled with the words "van life," makes coffee in an AeroPress, uses shampoo in soap form, and carries around an encyclopedic knowledge of IPAs. Dill fans have a large collection of duck canvas work pants and flannel shirts but inexplicably never get dirty and work in an office at a nonprofit. If your go-to cooking spice is dill, two or more of your friends self-identify as "amateur comedians."
Sage
If a sage fan doesn't actively belong to a theater troupe, they were definitely in one in high school. Folks who like sage went vegan for a while but now prefer "flexitarian." They think the best movie ever made is "The Seventh Seal" and they will gladly tell you so on a first date. The date is at a cocktail bar you're pretty sure they've never been to before either. Sage fan orders a negroni sbagliato and artichoke dip "for the table" like it isn't just the two of you sitting there. They're wearing corduroy overalls.
Old Bay
Old Bay fans are the masters of excuses for leaving the party early. They have thrice watched "The Sopranos" in its entirety and will do it again with minimal prompting. Old Bay lovers keep the air conditioner on full blast all summer long and have been heard uttering the phrase "I don't like to sweat" or alternately "I hate summer." They have directly caused building-wide power outages on multiple occasions. An Old Bay head disappears from July until October. They'll eventually reappear unannounced at a mutual friend's singer-songwriter show in Red Hook smoking a Newport and nonchalantly asking you to cover the $10 door fee cause, well, they just picked up this fresh pack of Newports.
Celery salt
If your go-to cooking spice is celery salt, you compost. You have a favorite Star Wars movie and know all the words to "Tales of Brave Ulysses" by Cream. Celery salt fans slept in a church basement in rural Kentucky while filming a crowd-funded documentary last summer. It's all you ever hear about these days and you just want your friend back.
Saffron
Saffron fans wear platform boots and drive a Yugo ironically. They had an orange wine phase last year and currently have a windowsill full of potted cacti in varying stages of life and death. This one's name is "Patricia." It's been kinda rough since their parents stopped sending them money last year, but they've managed. Saffron fans recently developed an affinity for "backpacking" and have been starting sentences lately with "When I go on my backpacking trip..." Their partner is a ceramicist who plays the pedal steel. The three of you met at a CBD pop-up shop four years ago and now it looks like they might be your oldest remaining friends.
White peppercorn (in a grinder)
White peppercorn lovers sprinkle the word "amaro" into conversations at dive bars with loose knowledge of what it is. They've been wearing the same hat that they "discovered" at a Pakistani open-air market for the past five years straight. It's a wool cap with salmon pink beads and they got it on their study abroad trip during undergrad (archaeology, Brown University). White peppercorn fans are rewards members at Cost Plus World Market and the only person they follow on Instagram is Matthew McConaughey.