Many are saying the Academy Awards are going to be a snooze fest this year. I've seen embarrassingly few of the films that are nominated, and 25 percent of the ones I saw were animated. Needless to say, I'm not in the least qualified to judge the films and make predictions.
I can, however, suggest side entertainment for your Oscars party, when it gets too exhausting to watch overpaid actors and actresses parading around all night. And, no, you're not seeing double already: That's just Leonardo DiCaprio walking onto the stage for the 17th time.
Take one drink:
① Every time someone references Leo eating raw meat.
② When someone is visibly intoxicated. No one should have to drink alone.
③ When the music cuts off a winner's speech.
④ If someone manages a one-word acceptance speech. This should make up for the drinking caused by number three.
⑤ If you see Matt Damon eating a potato.
⑥ When you hear, "I'd like to thank the Academy . . ."
⑦ If there's a reference to Jennifer Lawrence tripping. We all stumble on something at least monthly; let's collectively move on.
Take two drinks:
⑧ Of water! Every time there's a commercial break. Tastes like responsibility.
⑨ There's an Emo Kylo Ren joke. With caution, though—you may laugh so hard at the parody Twitter account that something could go down the wrong pipe.
⑩ When there are tears.
⑪ Shotgun a beer if Chris Rock wears sneakers with a suit. If he can keep it casual, so can you.
⑫ Take a shot if two people show up to the red carpet in the same outfit. Two shots, if they happen to be reckless in Givenchy.
⑬ Chug for five seconds if Neil Patrick Harris crashes the show with another genius performance worthy of a Best Original Song nomination itself.
Finish your drink if:
⑭ Kanye West shows up.
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