The Remains of the Day

Our Black Friday survival guide

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The turkey looks like an autopsy. The wine bottles, drained to the dregs. And your brain feels like a pool of gravy.

No matter how severe your tryptophan-induced hangover, we've figured out how to make your Black Friday the best day ever. (Hint: it involves booze.) Simply follow our no-fail timeline for post-Thanksgiving bliss/buzz.

Fernet Hot Chocolate | The Black Door

8 a.m.: Wipe the sand from your eyes–and the stuffing from your lower lip–and warm up a batch of spiked hot cocoa (see the recipe), courtesy of Stephen Cole of Chicago's The Barrelhouse Flat. Even half-asleep, you can manage to melt a bunch of chocolate in milk, pour in a little Fernet and Angostura bitters, and then top a mug of the sweet concoction with some of those mini marshmallows. Not because you have to, but because they're so damn cute.

10 a.m.: Okay, soldier, it's time to score the $77 discount on that washing machine you've been eyeing. As you hit the crowded mall, arm yourself with liquid courage. Take one 12-ounce flask and fill it with cocktail aficionado Jim Meehan's prescription for day-after survival, The Black Door: Johnny Walker Double Black Scotch whiskey, vermouth, port and filtered water (see the recipe). He says, "This subtle twist on the classic Chancellor Cocktail is my scholarly solution to coping with Black Friday."

Anything That Moves | Turkey Breast Banh Mi

11:30 a.m.: After ripping the second Cabbage Patch Kid out of another shopper's greedy hands (wait, are those things still around!?!?), you realize that maybe it's time to slow your roll. Pop in your headphones and download the audiobook version of Dana Goodyear's Anything That Moves ($27). Listening to Goodyear wax poetic about the state of American dining–plus the glow of fluorescent lighting–will put you into the right trance.

Noon: Take another pull.

2:30 p.m.: Toss your shopping bags filled with Totes umbrellas and Isotoner gloves on the counter, and pull out the leftover turkey. Now that you have a sufficient buzz going, give yourself a project: to make the most awesome drunk leftover food known to man, a.k.a the pickly-savory-spicy turkey banh mi from NYC's Num Pang Sandwich Shop (see the recipe).

4 p.m.: As you drift off to sleep on the couch–paper plate with sandwich crumbs balanced gently on your stomach–treat yourself to one more sip of the Black Door. You've earned it.